I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
