literally had 100 drinks last night.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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