do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
