you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
