i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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