Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's blow job season.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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