If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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