Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
