Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
