you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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