Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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