I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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