Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
