wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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