I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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