Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
