i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize