in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
