The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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