so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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