if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
