maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
