You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
