Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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