You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize