I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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