so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
