We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
