I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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