normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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