This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
