Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
