dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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