highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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