I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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