Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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