I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I will pee on everything he values.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
