did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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