I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I want to walk on stilts...naked
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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