there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
