I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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