She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
