girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
