Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize