Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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