I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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