Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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