Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
