I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
