This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
