Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
