I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize