No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize