this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
