You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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