I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
