I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
