last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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