i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
