Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize